Longing

I feel sad when I should be rejoicing. Over the last year I have had a plethora of friends and family getting pregnant and raising really great kids. It's a beautiful thing, and I want so much to be fully thrilled for everyone. But I am finding myself feeling left behind. I don't mean that to sound like I'm jealous or have hard feelings of anger against anyone of my loved ones who are having kids. THAT IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL. I am genuinely happy for them and pray all of God's greatest blessings on each and every family. I think I have just reached a point in which I want children of my own. I choose not to phrase it as "I want to start a family of my own" 'cause I have a family. Aaron and I are a family, and we have lots of extended family. But I recognize that I want a child. Aaron and I agreed a while back that we wanted to wait about having children until we are out of debt (which WILL happen) and when we have a home of our own (honestly, we wouldn't have space for a child in our little apartment right now). I know that these are the goals we need to attain, and I want to go that route. I just wish it would happen a lot faster than it is. I don't want to go past my prime and risk not being able to have children. So knowing that we have goals that will keep us from being ready for kids probably for a few more years, I feel sad. I see the enourmous joy that my loved ones have with their children, and I want to experience that, too.

I think for now I am just going to have to name my sadness, embrace it for a moment, let myself feel it, and then press on with my life because I have so much else to be joyful in. I don't want to bog myself down in this sadness, but I don't want to ignore it. I think I have been ignoring it and that has caused me to turn those feelings in a bad direction. I have been taking those feelings out on Aaron as anger. I think I have been blaming him because of his employment situation. I don't like that I have been holding some resentments. It felt good to talk to him about this a few days ago, but honestly, I don't know what kind of effect it had on HIM. He can be rather hard to read emotionally.

How can I reframe my situation so that I can aknowledge how I feel but still have joy about my life in the now?

Reality check. A child will not solve any problems (but I really don't think that's why I want one anyway). Children are a challenge as well as a joy, and maybe God has given Aaron and me this time before children to build our own bond as a family. Maybe this is also a time blessed for me to work on things within myself and my life. Ok, this is beginning to come together.

Game plan. When I have this tugging of my heart strings I will let myself feel it for exactly what it is without trying to turn it into something it isn't and thus hurt others. I will let myself feel the sadness for a time, and then I will put it away and go on because I CAN HAVE JOY NOW. I think I will take the sage advice of a friend and choose to grow gratitude in my life NOW, just as things are.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

ENOUGH ALREADY!

I'm tired of hating my body. I am at my highest weight ever (215). None of my pants or skirts really fit anymore. I have been making some moves to really start working on not just the physical aspects of this problem but also the mental and emotional aspects.

As to clothes, I have made a list of the basics that I need (2 bras, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of slacks, and some underwear). I bought the bras and jeans the other day, and I was very proud of how I handled it! I went into the stores with the mindset of not really caring about the number - I just want clothes that fit and are comfortable! I got two great bras that give me lovely support and shape and two great pairs of jeans that fit just right (no muffin top, not cutting off my circulation, and yet flattering). I even bought a belt so that maybe my jeans with have a smoother look even when sitting. I plan to have this same mindset when I shop for slacks and underwear. I realize that the clothes I am buying right now are larger sizes than in the past, but I want to be comfortable no matter what size I am. I am tired of putting my life on hold thinking that I have to lose weight before I can buy clothes that fit. I am tired of putting my life on hold for weight loss on the whole. This is not to say that I don't want to lose weight - I know I need to. But if I am doing it right it will take time, so I would rather be comfortable through the whole journey.

As to my personal work on the mental/emotional aspects I have made the decision to pull on every resource I can. I am working my way through normal/intuitive eating books that not only help me look at my eating behavior but also my beliefs and feelings about food, eating, weight, and my body. I know this will take a lot of time and work, but I want to be healthier in mind as well as body so badly! I am also planning to look at a book called the Insulin Resistance Diet (NOT to say that I am going on a diet) so that I might start trying to manage my PCOS through diet and exercise. Another way I am working on my mental/emotional state is trying to make the space I live in more peaceful and less stressful. A big part of this will require working on this with Aaron. We BOTH live here and have to contribute to make it a peaceful home.

A major factor in my weight/body issues is that I am lazy! I'm just not a workout fanatic, but I am too much of a fan of my couch. I know that I have felt better when I am moving more. This will not only include regular, conscious exercise, but I think just keeping up with my regular housekeeping can help. Hey, kill two birds with one stone, right?

Okay, this feels like a lot of rambling, so I need to summarize. Things I am doing to improve my life: reading positive literature (my Bible studies and intuitive eating books), moving more, reaching out to the resources I have (especially the people that I love and who love me!), positive thinking.

Today, I am doing some housework, catching up on my reading, and trying a new workout video.

If I lose weight, that is great, but I really just want to develop a healthier life inside and outside.

Learning to let go and thinking ahead.

I got my first ever traffic ticket this morning on the way home from work. I was driving our rental car (our car is in the shop for some repairs), I got off late from work and knew Aaron had to get to work soon, I was in a hurry and was not paying attention. Long, and a personally humiliating, story short, I was doing 16 over the limit. Damn. I really didn't need the added anxiety of paying off a speeding ticket on top of the anxiety I have accrued in thinking about starting to work on my license. I hate money. I think I was born several centuries too late. I think I would have been much happier in a society where bartering was the way. Oh well. I am not going to let this completely ruin my day. I had been in a great mood prior to this, and I really want to have it back. So I will let it go for now. I can't do anything about it until Monday anyway.

Looking forward, I really do want to make some changes in myself. I want to become a person of good habits. I want to make habits of daily Bible reading (been trying that one all year), daily recreational reading, good eating, physical activity, and care of self and others. I'm also thinking of trying out some different makeup looks. I see how nice other ladies look with rich-colored lipsticks, and I wonder if I could look that way. I'm not a makeup wearer. I am very happy with my looks without makeup, but I think it might be fun just to play. I doubt I would become a daily makeup wearer, but hey, girls just wanna have fun, right?

Okay, now I know that I am really tired and need some sleep. Goodnight (actually it's day) world!

Making plans

I have been inspired! I recently had a very successful experience in doing a commissioned knitting project for a friend of mine. I knit her a lovely scarf! I have also been browsing through a very cool site called artfire.com, which is a site that allows you to set up an online store for free. I think I am going to do it! I love my knitting and want to get even better at it, and I think this would be a great way to do it. I can use the money I make from selling items to pay for classes to learn new techniques and items. Plus, it gives me a great creative outlet and high! I even have a name for my store: Sunflower Creations. My first step to getting it up and going is to knit up some samples and take some pictures. Here is a picture of the Faggot Stitch Scarf I made for my friend Carrie. I used almost a skein of Cascade Quattro.





One potential item I am working on is reusable covers for face rests on massage chairs. I am currently knitting up a sample for my husband's new massage chair. If it goes well, I plan to sell them in my online store.

Another project I am working on is training for a 5K I plan to run in October. I am starting slowly by trying to get into the habit of walking for 30 minutes a day three days a week. I am going to do this for three weeks, and then I will be starting the Couch to 5K training program which is supposed to take about 9 weeks. So it appears that I could be ready by the end of May. I am excited to get into shape and hopefully feel better and be healthier.

Finally Finished!

Well. I finally did it. I finally finished my afghan for Warm Up America! It has taken me exactly three days shy of a year, but I got it done!! I completed it last night while watching "Ultraviolet" on SciFi with Aaron. I think it turned out pretty good! I mean, it has its little personality quirks (i.e. a random block of mismatch color or a block that had to be striped sue to a lack of a specific color), but I like that! I think it is kind of synbolic of life. To quote Forest Gump's mother, "You never know what you're going to get." So here it is!

On another good note, I have found a wonderful local yarn store that I call my own: Yarn Garden! Yes, this is a shameless plug, but I adore this place! I have also joined the Thursday morning Knit Chat group that meets there. A truly wonderful group of ladies. Looking forward to the up-coming swap at the store.

Books I am reading...and other stuff.

I am currently sitting at the computer at Janine's house listening to the lovely noise of Aaron, Janine, and the electricians demoing her bathroom. Aaron was cutting up Janine's old fiberglass bathtub, and let's just say it was a colorful experience! Aaron was covered in fiberglass dust which made his hair and arms gray. He looked to have aged about thirty years!! LOL.

For the most part I have been spending my evening downstairs with Sue watching tv and reading. It is so good to have a mother-in-law who, much like my mother, loves to read and watch Jeopardy! Albeit some of what Sue reads I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole (re: harlequin romance novels, or more affectionately known by Aaron as "bodice rippers"), she really does have gooc taste in books (re: mysteries and suspense). Currently, as I search for a job, I am reading three books: The Rules of "Normal" Eating, by Karen Koenig; Locker Room Diaries, by Leslie Goldberg; and Stone of Tears, by Terry Goodkind. One clinical book, one semi-clinical book, and one novel. Gotta have a mix or I feel unbalanced. I had been dying to read the first book ever since I heard about it, and finally recently broke down and allowed myself to spend the money on it. I do not regret it! The second book I think I have read about five times already! It is a fantastically fun written ethnography of a place I have never been but would someday like to dwell. The third book is the second in Mr. Goodkind's Sword of Truth series that Aaron so lovingly has drawn me into. Good stuff, but at times very intense.

It is getting very, very cold tonight! When I talked to my dad today he said that it was supposed to get really cold tonight and even colder next week. Let's hear it for space heaters and sleeping with a husband who is one in and of himself!

Welcome 2009!

Here it is. Another new year! I rang it in in a great fashion with my family in Newnan: Harry and David chocolate truffles, Asti Spumonti champagne, and watching music videos on youtube! I think I have a new favorite song - New Age Girl by Deadeye Dick. I also learned that Weird Al Yancovich has been doing his thing since 1979!! Dude, that is longer than I have been alive! New favorite Weird Al song: White and Nerdy!

I made some "resolutions" for this year, but really they ar really more like goals. I will post them later as I am heading out to Wal-Mart with Jennifer!