Longing

I feel sad when I should be rejoicing. Over the last year I have had a plethora of friends and family getting pregnant and raising really great kids. It's a beautiful thing, and I want so much to be fully thrilled for everyone. But I am finding myself feeling left behind. I don't mean that to sound like I'm jealous or have hard feelings of anger against anyone of my loved ones who are having kids. THAT IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL. I am genuinely happy for them and pray all of God's greatest blessings on each and every family. I think I have just reached a point in which I want children of my own. I choose not to phrase it as "I want to start a family of my own" 'cause I have a family. Aaron and I are a family, and we have lots of extended family. But I recognize that I want a child. Aaron and I agreed a while back that we wanted to wait about having children until we are out of debt (which WILL happen) and when we have a home of our own (honestly, we wouldn't have space for a child in our little apartment right now). I know that these are the goals we need to attain, and I want to go that route. I just wish it would happen a lot faster than it is. I don't want to go past my prime and risk not being able to have children. So knowing that we have goals that will keep us from being ready for kids probably for a few more years, I feel sad. I see the enourmous joy that my loved ones have with their children, and I want to experience that, too.

I think for now I am just going to have to name my sadness, embrace it for a moment, let myself feel it, and then press on with my life because I have so much else to be joyful in. I don't want to bog myself down in this sadness, but I don't want to ignore it. I think I have been ignoring it and that has caused me to turn those feelings in a bad direction. I have been taking those feelings out on Aaron as anger. I think I have been blaming him because of his employment situation. I don't like that I have been holding some resentments. It felt good to talk to him about this a few days ago, but honestly, I don't know what kind of effect it had on HIM. He can be rather hard to read emotionally.

How can I reframe my situation so that I can aknowledge how I feel but still have joy about my life in the now?

Reality check. A child will not solve any problems (but I really don't think that's why I want one anyway). Children are a challenge as well as a joy, and maybe God has given Aaron and me this time before children to build our own bond as a family. Maybe this is also a time blessed for me to work on things within myself and my life. Ok, this is beginning to come together.

Game plan. When I have this tugging of my heart strings I will let myself feel it for exactly what it is without trying to turn it into something it isn't and thus hurt others. I will let myself feel the sadness for a time, and then I will put it away and go on because I CAN HAVE JOY NOW. I think I will take the sage advice of a friend and choose to grow gratitude in my life NOW, just as things are.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

ENOUGH ALREADY!

I'm tired of hating my body. I am at my highest weight ever (215). None of my pants or skirts really fit anymore. I have been making some moves to really start working on not just the physical aspects of this problem but also the mental and emotional aspects.

As to clothes, I have made a list of the basics that I need (2 bras, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of slacks, and some underwear). I bought the bras and jeans the other day, and I was very proud of how I handled it! I went into the stores with the mindset of not really caring about the number - I just want clothes that fit and are comfortable! I got two great bras that give me lovely support and shape and two great pairs of jeans that fit just right (no muffin top, not cutting off my circulation, and yet flattering). I even bought a belt so that maybe my jeans with have a smoother look even when sitting. I plan to have this same mindset when I shop for slacks and underwear. I realize that the clothes I am buying right now are larger sizes than in the past, but I want to be comfortable no matter what size I am. I am tired of putting my life on hold thinking that I have to lose weight before I can buy clothes that fit. I am tired of putting my life on hold for weight loss on the whole. This is not to say that I don't want to lose weight - I know I need to. But if I am doing it right it will take time, so I would rather be comfortable through the whole journey.

As to my personal work on the mental/emotional aspects I have made the decision to pull on every resource I can. I am working my way through normal/intuitive eating books that not only help me look at my eating behavior but also my beliefs and feelings about food, eating, weight, and my body. I know this will take a lot of time and work, but I want to be healthier in mind as well as body so badly! I am also planning to look at a book called the Insulin Resistance Diet (NOT to say that I am going on a diet) so that I might start trying to manage my PCOS through diet and exercise. Another way I am working on my mental/emotional state is trying to make the space I live in more peaceful and less stressful. A big part of this will require working on this with Aaron. We BOTH live here and have to contribute to make it a peaceful home.

A major factor in my weight/body issues is that I am lazy! I'm just not a workout fanatic, but I am too much of a fan of my couch. I know that I have felt better when I am moving more. This will not only include regular, conscious exercise, but I think just keeping up with my regular housekeeping can help. Hey, kill two birds with one stone, right?

Okay, this feels like a lot of rambling, so I need to summarize. Things I am doing to improve my life: reading positive literature (my Bible studies and intuitive eating books), moving more, reaching out to the resources I have (especially the people that I love and who love me!), positive thinking.

Today, I am doing some housework, catching up on my reading, and trying a new workout video.

If I lose weight, that is great, but I really just want to develop a healthier life inside and outside.

Learning to let go and thinking ahead.

I got my first ever traffic ticket this morning on the way home from work. I was driving our rental car (our car is in the shop for some repairs), I got off late from work and knew Aaron had to get to work soon, I was in a hurry and was not paying attention. Long, and a personally humiliating, story short, I was doing 16 over the limit. Damn. I really didn't need the added anxiety of paying off a speeding ticket on top of the anxiety I have accrued in thinking about starting to work on my license. I hate money. I think I was born several centuries too late. I think I would have been much happier in a society where bartering was the way. Oh well. I am not going to let this completely ruin my day. I had been in a great mood prior to this, and I really want to have it back. So I will let it go for now. I can't do anything about it until Monday anyway.

Looking forward, I really do want to make some changes in myself. I want to become a person of good habits. I want to make habits of daily Bible reading (been trying that one all year), daily recreational reading, good eating, physical activity, and care of self and others. I'm also thinking of trying out some different makeup looks. I see how nice other ladies look with rich-colored lipsticks, and I wonder if I could look that way. I'm not a makeup wearer. I am very happy with my looks without makeup, but I think it might be fun just to play. I doubt I would become a daily makeup wearer, but hey, girls just wanna have fun, right?

Okay, now I know that I am really tired and need some sleep. Goodnight (actually it's day) world!

Making plans

I have been inspired! I recently had a very successful experience in doing a commissioned knitting project for a friend of mine. I knit her a lovely scarf! I have also been browsing through a very cool site called artfire.com, which is a site that allows you to set up an online store for free. I think I am going to do it! I love my knitting and want to get even better at it, and I think this would be a great way to do it. I can use the money I make from selling items to pay for classes to learn new techniques and items. Plus, it gives me a great creative outlet and high! I even have a name for my store: Sunflower Creations. My first step to getting it up and going is to knit up some samples and take some pictures. Here is a picture of the Faggot Stitch Scarf I made for my friend Carrie. I used almost a skein of Cascade Quattro.





One potential item I am working on is reusable covers for face rests on massage chairs. I am currently knitting up a sample for my husband's new massage chair. If it goes well, I plan to sell them in my online store.

Another project I am working on is training for a 5K I plan to run in October. I am starting slowly by trying to get into the habit of walking for 30 minutes a day three days a week. I am going to do this for three weeks, and then I will be starting the Couch to 5K training program which is supposed to take about 9 weeks. So it appears that I could be ready by the end of May. I am excited to get into shape and hopefully feel better and be healthier.

Finally Finished!

Well. I finally did it. I finally finished my afghan for Warm Up America! It has taken me exactly three days shy of a year, but I got it done!! I completed it last night while watching "Ultraviolet" on SciFi with Aaron. I think it turned out pretty good! I mean, it has its little personality quirks (i.e. a random block of mismatch color or a block that had to be striped sue to a lack of a specific color), but I like that! I think it is kind of synbolic of life. To quote Forest Gump's mother, "You never know what you're going to get." So here it is!

On another good note, I have found a wonderful local yarn store that I call my own: Yarn Garden! Yes, this is a shameless plug, but I adore this place! I have also joined the Thursday morning Knit Chat group that meets there. A truly wonderful group of ladies. Looking forward to the up-coming swap at the store.

Books I am reading...and other stuff.

I am currently sitting at the computer at Janine's house listening to the lovely noise of Aaron, Janine, and the electricians demoing her bathroom. Aaron was cutting up Janine's old fiberglass bathtub, and let's just say it was a colorful experience! Aaron was covered in fiberglass dust which made his hair and arms gray. He looked to have aged about thirty years!! LOL.

For the most part I have been spending my evening downstairs with Sue watching tv and reading. It is so good to have a mother-in-law who, much like my mother, loves to read and watch Jeopardy! Albeit some of what Sue reads I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole (re: harlequin romance novels, or more affectionately known by Aaron as "bodice rippers"), she really does have gooc taste in books (re: mysteries and suspense). Currently, as I search for a job, I am reading three books: The Rules of "Normal" Eating, by Karen Koenig; Locker Room Diaries, by Leslie Goldberg; and Stone of Tears, by Terry Goodkind. One clinical book, one semi-clinical book, and one novel. Gotta have a mix or I feel unbalanced. I had been dying to read the first book ever since I heard about it, and finally recently broke down and allowed myself to spend the money on it. I do not regret it! The second book I think I have read about five times already! It is a fantastically fun written ethnography of a place I have never been but would someday like to dwell. The third book is the second in Mr. Goodkind's Sword of Truth series that Aaron so lovingly has drawn me into. Good stuff, but at times very intense.

It is getting very, very cold tonight! When I talked to my dad today he said that it was supposed to get really cold tonight and even colder next week. Let's hear it for space heaters and sleeping with a husband who is one in and of himself!

Welcome 2009!

Here it is. Another new year! I rang it in in a great fashion with my family in Newnan: Harry and David chocolate truffles, Asti Spumonti champagne, and watching music videos on youtube! I think I have a new favorite song - New Age Girl by Deadeye Dick. I also learned that Weird Al Yancovich has been doing his thing since 1979!! Dude, that is longer than I have been alive! New favorite Weird Al song: White and Nerdy!

I made some "resolutions" for this year, but really they ar really more like goals. I will post them later as I am heading out to Wal-Mart with Jennifer!

Getting moved in - Part 1

Preparations for Aaron and I to move into our new apartment are coming along swimmingly. The new carpet has been put down and looks great! We also began moving some of our stuff in today. We moved in the massive stash of wedding gifts that has been in my old room at Mom and Dad's house as well as most of my possessions (sans clothing, some books, and some CD's). I am really excited about getting things together! I can't wait to have everything in and organized. We plan to be completely moved in by December 1st, though if we can swing it maybe by Thanksgiving. It's been very nice living in Newnan with Aaron's family, but we are both very much ready to have our own space. The first thing we plan on doing once our new pad is settled is having our friend Joan over for dinner. She is a very sweet lady who has been a friend of my family for a long time. Last Sunday she approached my Dad at church to say that she had been thinking about it for a couple of months and wanted to pay our first month's rent! Aaron and I were SO touched that we decided we absolutely had to make her our first guest for dinner as a small way of thanking her for this immense act of kindness. After that I think it would be fun to mabye have some friends over for a housewarming. We will see what we can afford to do.

Quick Update

I am typing this from my Mother-in-law's computer due to the fact that my laptop has effectively decided to be useless. I cannot get it to go past the welcome screen, which leads me to believe it has some sort of crazy bad virus or something. This is particularly bad since I really want to do some job hunting. Meh. Geek Squad here I come as soon as we can afford it.

Also, I got my hair cut for Locks of Love yesterday! I got a full TWELVE INCHES hacked off, and I think I like it! I haven't had my hair short in years, but I think it looks better now that I have bangs to go with it.

Renovations on the floor at the house in Newnan are coming along quite well. I will be glad when it is all done. Aaron and I are really looking forward to moving back to Lilburn. We are SOOOO grateful to Janine for allowing us to live with her rent free this month, but we are longing for our own place. Please pray for us as we continue to look for jobs and get our feet on the ground.

The advent of the LP?

In working on putting in the new hardwood floors in my sister-in-law's house Aaron discovered a fully-functioning stereo which includes a turntable. He has been happily listening to his 1980's LP's all morning as he has been taking up the carpet in the TV room. I have really been enjoying it because he has excellent LP's including Electric Light Orchestra, Dire Straits, Kiss, and The B52's. Personally, I have been wileing away my time by writing thnak you cards for wedding gifts. This is a tedious process after a while. 12 down, seventy-something to go? Ah well.

Home

Well, me and the new Mr. have been home from our honeymoon for a few days, and WOW!! I didn't realize how much of an adjustment it is to start doing things for two people instead of just myself. But being married is FUN!!! I think my favorite part so far has been coming home to each other. I've worked the past two days and it has been such a joy to know that at the end of the day I get to go home and rest with Aaron!

We are currently living in Newnan with Aaron's family, but just until December when we can move into our apartment. It's not a bad situation, but we are looking forward to having our place. We went out today to get my name changed on everything - which was fun! So I am even more so officially Mrs. Lamanda Rhodes! YAY!

IT'S HERE!!!

I'm getting married in 14 hours!!! HOLY COW!!! Everything feels simply amazing!

Well, they say it's good luck for something to go haywire, right?

Of all the times for something to happen. It is now a week before our wedding and this morning while brushing my teeth I lost the filling on my front tooth! What a joy, right!?! So I have a message on the answering machine at the dentist's office begging for an appointment as early as possible Monday. I think everything will be fine, but I freaked out a bit this morning. It just not something you really want to happen before a major event where there will be lots of pictures and several of them likely to be close up. *sigh*

Well on the upside I got a lot of stuff bought today that we still needed for the wedding. I am so tired after such a marathon day of shopping!

Leaving home...again

Given that I am very soon moving out of my parents' house to live with my husband (at least he will be my husband by then) I have been trying to spend as much time with them as I can before the wedding. However, my Dad seems to be having some separation anxiety issues. Almost any time I say anything about spending time with anyone else he kind of freaks out. Like today I mentioned that my friend from high school who is coming into town from Massechuesetts to be one of my bridesmaids might want to spend the night at our house after the rehearsal dinner instead of with her family he kind of got offended and said, "Well I thought you'd want to spend some family time!" Like I'm not with them everyday. Plus, I would still be with them, I'd just have a friend along. And this friend and I haven't seen each other in 2 years. I miss her.

I understand that Dad is struggling with the idea of his baby girl getting married and not living in the house anymore, but wow. I wasn't expecting this much of a reaction! I am trying to work with it, but I think I have a right to a little more say so since I am an adult and almost independent. I hope he will chill out a bit.

Oy with the poodles already!

I got a call from me and Aaron's landlord today. They are going to be refinancing their home and have asked us if we would mind waiting 2 months to move in. I think we are willing, but geez!! It seems like we are constantly experiencing setbacks with our living arrangements. I just want us to have our own place!

Healthier living is going to be tasty!

Ok, I know it is cliche to say this, but I am commiting myself to a healthier lifestlye. I woke up today and realized that I am 25 and about to get married. This means I am free to eat what I choose and choose the lifestyle that I want. Well, I want to have a healthy lifestyle. This doesn't mean that I will never again eat chocolate or ice cream or pizza. I just want to have things in moderation, and I think that the moderation of some things (fruits, veggies, whole grains) can be greater than others. Plus, I really don't move enough. I spend far too much time sitting in front of the T.V. and computer.

So here are some goals:
physical activity at least 30 minutes a day, 4 days a week
eating by normal standards
improving how much time I spend on all areas of my health (physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, and relational)

And I am encouraged in these endeavors! A while back I ordered a free cookie from www.kashi.com Well, I got it today, and that was one tasty cookie! It was a dark chocolate oatmeal cookie. The first thing I try to notice about food is the aroma. The aroma of this cookie was sumptuous! It had a nutty, well, oaty aroma that was warm and pleasent. I am a particular fan of the texture of oatmeal, so the texture of these cookies was terriffic! The taste was also light but sweet. It was a soft but lightly chewy cookie, and the ratio of oats to chocolate chips was right on! Best part: it is a great cookie, and it is healthy! I am a growing fan of Kashi's 7 Whole Grains Blend! I think I will continue to buy their products in the future.

Where to begin...

I have decided that today I am going to start packing my things in preparation for moving out of my parents' house. The thing is, I have no idea where to begin. I don't want to pack something that I might unknowingly need, but given that we will be moving our stuff in within the next week I need to do something. *sigh* I just need to start.

Wow! It is kind of a rush to realize that we only have 11 days until our wedding! I'm tracking down a few last minute decorations for the stage, and we will be meeting with our minister soon to hash out the ceremony details. Plus we need to sit down and make our CD's for the ceremony and the reception, but that's the fun part! I've also been getting in touch with all the people who need to know that I will soon be out of town for my honeymoon - I so can't wait! *sigh* Daydreaming is fun!

The Starter Home

Aaron and I have accepted the offer of a mother-in-law apartment! We officially have a place to live! It is in the lower portion of the house of some of my parents' friends at church. It is a nice place for a newlywed couple to start out in. It is somewhat small, but has a lot of storage space, brand new carpet and brand new appliances. We can also have our precious India with us, and we don't have to pay an ungodly deposit in order to have her. We did a lot of checking with other apartment possibilities, but this seemed to be the most financially sound for a couple starting out with basically no money. We are SOOOO excited to finally have our own place!

I can hardly contain myself with the realization that it is only two weeks until our wedding!!! Dad and I went to Gwinnett Place Mall tonight to have my wedding ring sized at out trusty jewlery repair place. We went to browse around in Sears while they sized it, and I found myself gliding dreamily through the housewares sections thinking of how much fun we are going to have putting together our first pad! Two weeks seems like almost no time at all after having been engaged for nearly four years, but when I got my ring back tonight and saw how perfect it fit and how pretty it is after being cleaned it feels like an eternity. I wish it was tomorrow! *Deep breath* Must temper my exhilaration...at least enough to where I can sleep tonight!

Being a Quarter of a Century Old

As of 11:06 PM tonight I will be 25 years old. These days a lot of people would be feeling like they are getting old, but honestly I don't feel much different. I mean I am feeling more like an adult - if that makes sense and doesn't sound too juvenile - since finishing school and getting so close to being married. I think it just has to do with the increase in responsibility, but I am not viewing this in a negative light. I mean it is intimidating at times, but I'm actually excited about it! I am looking forward to starting my life with Aaron, having our own place, and boldly stepping out together in the adventures of life. I think I will definitely be blogging a lot more. I kind of have a yen to chronical this adventure Aaron and I are embarking on. I've always heard interesting stories about people who journal the story of their lives, and it sounds like fun.

Hmm, maybe I do realize that I'm getting older. The older I get the more pensive I seem to get. "I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger."

Exhausting Day!!

The motor on my driver's side window died the other day. Dad made a valient attempt at trying to fix it, but it was beyond him so we took my dear Rosie into Tom's (Our mechanic). Apparently there was a tractor trailer truck carrying chicken that exploded on the interstate this morning, which backed up traffic on the surface streets, including the street where Tom's is. Thus traffic was HORRIBLE as Dad was attempting to get me to work. I was half an hour late.

Work was different. I worked on the decals we had to put on the front windows of the store - two large bare trees, very frustrating - and box-up in the stockroom. Box-up was a very welcome process today as it kept me in the back and allowed me to avoid people. Typically I like working the sales floor, but today I just didn't feel like dealing with people.

Aaron picked me up after work so we could go get our marriage license - YAY! We first went to the Gwinnett County Court House, but they would not accept the copy of Aaron's birth certificate because it didn't have the embossed certification seal. So we drove all the way to Decatur because they only require one form of I.D. so we just used our driver's licenses. Traffic was again a bear as we made our way back to Tom's to get my car and then back home. We were exhausted by the time we got home for dinner.

It wasn't a bad day, just full and at times frustrating. The upside is: We are now officially licensed to be married!

In other wedding news, Mom and I ordered tablecloths today. They are chocolate brown and hunter green. Very nice. We got a great deal on them.

Tomorrow I have to start calling apartment complexes to ask questions so Aaron and I can figure out where we will be living. *sigh* I'm tired.