ENOUGH ALREADY!

I'm tired of hating my body. I am at my highest weight ever (215). None of my pants or skirts really fit anymore. I have been making some moves to really start working on not just the physical aspects of this problem but also the mental and emotional aspects.

As to clothes, I have made a list of the basics that I need (2 bras, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of slacks, and some underwear). I bought the bras and jeans the other day, and I was very proud of how I handled it! I went into the stores with the mindset of not really caring about the number - I just want clothes that fit and are comfortable! I got two great bras that give me lovely support and shape and two great pairs of jeans that fit just right (no muffin top, not cutting off my circulation, and yet flattering). I even bought a belt so that maybe my jeans with have a smoother look even when sitting. I plan to have this same mindset when I shop for slacks and underwear. I realize that the clothes I am buying right now are larger sizes than in the past, but I want to be comfortable no matter what size I am. I am tired of putting my life on hold thinking that I have to lose weight before I can buy clothes that fit. I am tired of putting my life on hold for weight loss on the whole. This is not to say that I don't want to lose weight - I know I need to. But if I am doing it right it will take time, so I would rather be comfortable through the whole journey.

As to my personal work on the mental/emotional aspects I have made the decision to pull on every resource I can. I am working my way through normal/intuitive eating books that not only help me look at my eating behavior but also my beliefs and feelings about food, eating, weight, and my body. I know this will take a lot of time and work, but I want to be healthier in mind as well as body so badly! I am also planning to look at a book called the Insulin Resistance Diet (NOT to say that I am going on a diet) so that I might start trying to manage my PCOS through diet and exercise. Another way I am working on my mental/emotional state is trying to make the space I live in more peaceful and less stressful. A big part of this will require working on this with Aaron. We BOTH live here and have to contribute to make it a peaceful home.

A major factor in my weight/body issues is that I am lazy! I'm just not a workout fanatic, but I am too much of a fan of my couch. I know that I have felt better when I am moving more. This will not only include regular, conscious exercise, but I think just keeping up with my regular housekeeping can help. Hey, kill two birds with one stone, right?

Okay, this feels like a lot of rambling, so I need to summarize. Things I am doing to improve my life: reading positive literature (my Bible studies and intuitive eating books), moving more, reaching out to the resources I have (especially the people that I love and who love me!), positive thinking.

Today, I am doing some housework, catching up on my reading, and trying a new workout video.

If I lose weight, that is great, but I really just want to develop a healthier life inside and outside.

Learning to let go and thinking ahead.

I got my first ever traffic ticket this morning on the way home from work. I was driving our rental car (our car is in the shop for some repairs), I got off late from work and knew Aaron had to get to work soon, I was in a hurry and was not paying attention. Long, and a personally humiliating, story short, I was doing 16 over the limit. Damn. I really didn't need the added anxiety of paying off a speeding ticket on top of the anxiety I have accrued in thinking about starting to work on my license. I hate money. I think I was born several centuries too late. I think I would have been much happier in a society where bartering was the way. Oh well. I am not going to let this completely ruin my day. I had been in a great mood prior to this, and I really want to have it back. So I will let it go for now. I can't do anything about it until Monday anyway.

Looking forward, I really do want to make some changes in myself. I want to become a person of good habits. I want to make habits of daily Bible reading (been trying that one all year), daily recreational reading, good eating, physical activity, and care of self and others. I'm also thinking of trying out some different makeup looks. I see how nice other ladies look with rich-colored lipsticks, and I wonder if I could look that way. I'm not a makeup wearer. I am very happy with my looks without makeup, but I think it might be fun just to play. I doubt I would become a daily makeup wearer, but hey, girls just wanna have fun, right?

Okay, now I know that I am really tired and need some sleep. Goodnight (actually it's day) world!

Making plans

I have been inspired! I recently had a very successful experience in doing a commissioned knitting project for a friend of mine. I knit her a lovely scarf! I have also been browsing through a very cool site called artfire.com, which is a site that allows you to set up an online store for free. I think I am going to do it! I love my knitting and want to get even better at it, and I think this would be a great way to do it. I can use the money I make from selling items to pay for classes to learn new techniques and items. Plus, it gives me a great creative outlet and high! I even have a name for my store: Sunflower Creations. My first step to getting it up and going is to knit up some samples and take some pictures. Here is a picture of the Faggot Stitch Scarf I made for my friend Carrie. I used almost a skein of Cascade Quattro.





One potential item I am working on is reusable covers for face rests on massage chairs. I am currently knitting up a sample for my husband's new massage chair. If it goes well, I plan to sell them in my online store.

Another project I am working on is training for a 5K I plan to run in October. I am starting slowly by trying to get into the habit of walking for 30 minutes a day three days a week. I am going to do this for three weeks, and then I will be starting the Couch to 5K training program which is supposed to take about 9 weeks. So it appears that I could be ready by the end of May. I am excited to get into shape and hopefully feel better and be healthier.