Longing

I feel sad when I should be rejoicing. Over the last year I have had a plethora of friends and family getting pregnant and raising really great kids. It's a beautiful thing, and I want so much to be fully thrilled for everyone. But I am finding myself feeling left behind. I don't mean that to sound like I'm jealous or have hard feelings of anger against anyone of my loved ones who are having kids. THAT IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL. I am genuinely happy for them and pray all of God's greatest blessings on each and every family. I think I have just reached a point in which I want children of my own. I choose not to phrase it as "I want to start a family of my own" 'cause I have a family. Aaron and I are a family, and we have lots of extended family. But I recognize that I want a child. Aaron and I agreed a while back that we wanted to wait about having children until we are out of debt (which WILL happen) and when we have a home of our own (honestly, we wouldn't have space for a child in our little apartment right now). I know that these are the goals we need to attain, and I want to go that route. I just wish it would happen a lot faster than it is. I don't want to go past my prime and risk not being able to have children. So knowing that we have goals that will keep us from being ready for kids probably for a few more years, I feel sad. I see the enourmous joy that my loved ones have with their children, and I want to experience that, too.

I think for now I am just going to have to name my sadness, embrace it for a moment, let myself feel it, and then press on with my life because I have so much else to be joyful in. I don't want to bog myself down in this sadness, but I don't want to ignore it. I think I have been ignoring it and that has caused me to turn those feelings in a bad direction. I have been taking those feelings out on Aaron as anger. I think I have been blaming him because of his employment situation. I don't like that I have been holding some resentments. It felt good to talk to him about this a few days ago, but honestly, I don't know what kind of effect it had on HIM. He can be rather hard to read emotionally.

How can I reframe my situation so that I can aknowledge how I feel but still have joy about my life in the now?

Reality check. A child will not solve any problems (but I really don't think that's why I want one anyway). Children are a challenge as well as a joy, and maybe God has given Aaron and me this time before children to build our own bond as a family. Maybe this is also a time blessed for me to work on things within myself and my life. Ok, this is beginning to come together.

Game plan. When I have this tugging of my heart strings I will let myself feel it for exactly what it is without trying to turn it into something it isn't and thus hurt others. I will let myself feel the sadness for a time, and then I will put it away and go on because I CAN HAVE JOY NOW. I think I will take the sage advice of a friend and choose to grow gratitude in my life NOW, just as things are.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.